Auntie Bernie's Wedding

Dream Cast:
Auntie Bernie: Harvey Fierstein
Uncle Sally: Anthony LaPaglia
Gloria: Valerie Bertinelli
Evan: Kevin Zegers
Felicia: Hugh Jackman
Jean: Julia Stiles
Little Frankie: Joe Pesci

AUNTIE BERNIE (V.O.)
Wakie, Wakie. Well would you look
at this.

FADE IN:



1 INT. 1

Evan'S BEDROOM. DAY.
Evan's bedroom is the typical teenager's room with posters on
the wall, trophies on shelves and the room is a bit
cluttered, with clothes and books. The scene opens from the
perspective of Evan waking up to his first sight of the
morning Auntie Bernie, who is kneeling on the floor, with his
elbows on the bed and supporting his head in his hands
smiling. Auntie Bernie is a man with a beard and a gravelly
but kind voice who looks like a teddy bear.

AUNTIE BERNIE
It's been so long since a beautiful
young man woke up next to me.

EVAN
Auntie Bernie, what are you doing
here?

Evan sits up in bed. We still don't see him as he talks to
Auntie Bernie.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Your mom told me that you've been
at loose ends, since you graduated
from college.

Auntie Bernie moves to the desk chair to sit down, lifting
some clothes hanging over the back of the chair up and
dropping them on the floor as if they were contaminated.

AUNTIE BERNIE (CONT'D)
You haven't been looking for a job,
you're not hanging out with your
friends and you haven't been on a
date since your last group date in
high school. So why don't you come
here (patting his lap) and tell
Auntie Bernie what's wrong.

Evan get's out of bed and walks into frame, he is a young man
in his early twenties, with brown hair and a face that can
only be a called pretty, he is well built and wearing a wife
beater and cut off sweats. He sits on Auntie Bernie's lap
like a little kid.

EVAN
Nothing's wrong. I'm just taking a
break before I have to slave away
for the rest of my life. As for
dating, I'm just not looking right
now, it's not a problem.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Well your break is over I've got a
job for you. You see in it's
infinite wisdom, the state of New
York has finally decided that gay's
can marry. So since your Uncle
Sally popped the question, and I of
course said yes. We are having a
wedding, but, I am directing a new
show and Sally's busy running the
night club. So I need some help
putting things together. That my
lovely nephew is where you come in.
I'm kidnapping you to the city You
will help me and your Uncle Sally
out, putting things together for
the wedding. Any questions?

EVAN
Nope.

Auntie Bernie stands up, unceremoniously dropping Evan to the
floor and starts to walk to the door, while Evan gets up.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Good, you have five minutes to get
dressed, packed and downstairs.

EVAN
Yes, Sir! Auntie Bernarrrd.

Auntie Bernie turns around, glaring at Evan, who is smiling
beatifically at him. Auntie Bernie takes two slow steps
towards him.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Exactly who do you think you're
talking to young man?

Evan hangs his head in shame, but continues to smile.

EVAN
You, Auntie Bernie.

Evan looks up at Auntie Bernie genuinely smiling now, knowing
that he is going to be forgiven in just a couple of seconds.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Oh, look at that smile. Bubeleh,
(squeezing Evan's face between his
thumb and fingers) I've never been
able to resist that smile. Just
don't ever call me that again. Now
get ready to go.

Evan turns around to walk away get ready and Auntie Bernie
gives him a whack on the behind then turns and leaves the
room.

CUT TO:



2 INT. LIVING ROOM OF EVAN'S HOME. DAY. 2

Auntie Bernie is standing at the foot of the stairs, looking
up and then down at his watch. His sister (Gloria), who still
looks young herself, but is in her forties and is definitely
comfortable with who she is and how her life has turned out,
is standing next to him.

AUNTIE BERNIE
That boy of yours needs to learn to
tell time.

GLORIA
Hey, he learned all about getting
ready from his favorite Uncle.

AUNTIE BERNIE
You know you're getting as bad as
mom with that.

GLORIA
Hey, no need to be insulting. I
love you like a sister and you know
it.

AUNTIE BERNIE
That's better. Oh finally, here
comes Prince Charming.

GLORIA
You better take care of my kid or
you'll have to deal with me and if
that isn't enough to keep you in
line I'll sic mom on you.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Who's getting insulting now? This
isn't the first time he's stayed
with me and Sal. Not to mention he
is twenty-two years old. But don't
worry I'll keep him out of trouble.

Evan reaches the bottom of the stairs and looks at his mother
and Uncle verbally sparring with a smile on his face. He is
dressed in baggy jeans and a T-shirt.

EVAN
Still fighting over me after all
these years.

Auntie Bernie glares at him.

AUNTIE BERNIE
It took you all this time and
that's how you dress. (turning to
his sister) What have you done to
my nephew? He's dressed like a
...a...

GLORIA
A young man, who is following the
popular culture of his age group.

Making a sour face at his sister Bernie turns back to Evan.

AUNTIE BERNIE
The first thing we do when we get
to the city is a shopping trip. Oy
Vey, dressing like that, have you
learned nothing from me all these
years?

Evan kisses his mother goodbye and heads for the front door,
turning back to Bernie.

EVAN
Let's go.

DISSOLVE TO:

A montage of Bernie and Evan going through different stores,
for clothes and shoes, bickering back and forth until they
end up at the hair salon, Evan is sitting in the chair hair
wet and ready to be cut, while Bernie explains what he wants
done to the stylist, who looks like Kyan Douglas of Queer Eye
fame.

AUNTIE BERNIE
I don't want to lose the length of
his hair, but it needs to be shaped
and have some sort of style to it.

EVAN
Do I get a say in this?

AUNTIE BERNIE
No!

STYLIST
No!

STYLIST
I think I know what you want. I
promise his hair will be as
beautiful as that face of his. So
if you will go sit down and let me
get to work?

AUNTIE BERNIE
But I...

STYLIST
Go sit! Now!

Auntie Bernie goes and sits in the waiting room. The stylist
combs Evan's hair straight back and away from his face, and
caresses his face with the back of his hand.

STYLIST (CONT'D)
Well gorgeous anything you'd like
to do different from your old
Auntie's ideas?

EVAN
No. I've learned that he's usually
right about this kind of stuff.

STYLIST
Well let's get going then. Tell me
about you, are you dating anyone?

The stylist starts cutting Evan's hair.

EVAN
No, I haven't met anyone that
sparks my interest.

STYLIST
I would think that someone as good
looking as you would have people
falling all over you.

EVAN
I do that's the problem. I want
someone who actually sees beyond
the facade and wants more than
looks out of a person.

STYLIST
True, but there's nothing wrong
with wanting someone good looking.
I mean you need to at least be
attracted to the person first.

EVAN
I guess so, but it's like Auntie
Bernie always says, "you can find
yourself getting a very pretty
package, but when you unwrap it
find nothing more than a big pile
of crap." I don't care if the
package is pretty, I want the
inside to be a diamond.

STYLIST
Sounds like good advice to me. On
the other hand sometimes you just
need to meet someone, and I know
someone who I could set you up
with, if you'd like?

EVAN
Maybe.

The stylist and Evan finish the cut in silence. Evan's hair
is only a bit shorter than it was but it has a nice finished
shape and look. The stylist whips off the cape announcing
that he is finished. Evan stands up out of the chair reveling
that he is wearing a fitted black T-shirt and beige slacks
and dress shoes. He now has the look of a metro-sexual. They
walk to the front of the salon where Auntie Bernie is
waiting, reading a magazine. Auntie Bernie looks up and
smiles broadly.

STYLIST
Pretty good, huh?

AUNTIE BERNIE
Very good. Your worth every penny.
Look at my beautiful boy (pinching
Evan's cheek). My gorgeous nephew.

Evan smiles.

EVAN
Glad you approve. But could you
stop pinching my cheek before you
take the skin off?

Auntie Bernie lets go of his cheek.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Fresh. Now let's get you home and
all settled in.

FADE TO:



EXT. OUTSIDE OF VILLAGE BROWNSTONE. DAY.
The outside of a brownstone located in Greenwich village,
near the Christopher and Bleeker Street area. Bernie and Evan
are walking up the outer stairs laden with bags, from their
shopping spree. Bernie turns to Evan and unloads all of his
bags into Evans arms, to get his keys.



INT. ENTRY HALL/UPSTAIRS BEDROOM. DAY
They enter into a main hallway, which is very nicely
decorated and well kept. Bernie heads up the stairs to the
third floor, with Evan following severely over burdened by
all of the bags.

AUNTIE BERNIE
... After all of that running
around during the day you'll work
with your Uncle at the Nightclub.
Well here we are.

Bernie flings open a door and there is a very nicely
appointed bedroom that takes up half of the third floor. Evan
squeezes by with all of the bags and immediately drops them
to the floor.

EVAN
Thanks, I appreciate all the help.
Why the third floor room?
I usually stay in the guest room on
the second floor.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Well the work out room is across
the hall and you'll have more
privacy.

EVAN
What aren't you telling me?

AUNTIE BERNIE
Nothing. I always tell you
everything. You know that.

EVAN
Aunt Bernie?

AUNTIE BERNIE
Okay your Uncle Sal's niece is here
too. She's starting at Columbia in
the fall and she wanted to get used
to the city before she started.

EVAN
Oh shit! I wish you would've told
me. I can't stand her she's a
bitch.

AUNTIE BERNIE
She's not that bad. And you two
haven't seen each other in a few
years. People change, she could be
totally different now.

EVAN
I wouldn't count on it. She's the
one who broke my arm the last time
we saw each other.

AUNTIE BERNIE
You broke your arm falling out of a
tree.

EVAN
Yeah. Cause she pushed me.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Your both adults now. Stop whining
about it. I'm sure you'll see each
other differently and become
friends.

EVAN
If you say so.

Just then Jean walks into the room, she is a beautiful young
woman with long blonde hair tied into a tight and sever pony
tail. Her general attitude is belligerent and standoffish.
She seems angry at the world and looks at Evan with an almost
evil gleam in her eye as if she is immediately thinking of
ways to torture him. Basically she acts like a major dyke and
dresses accordingly. She is the exact opposite of Evan's good
natured, outgoing personality.

JEAN
Well, look who's here. Evan how
nice to see you again. I see you've
been shopping, did you get lots of
new dresses for your coming out
party?

EVAN
Yes, I did. I was planning on
inviting you, so I need to know
would it be too much trouble for
you to rent a tux or is flannel
surgically attached to your body?

AUNTIE BERNIE
You two, how about trying to be
civilized with each other for more
than three seconds. You might be
surprised and find out that you
could be friends. Especially if you
(turning to Evan) stop acting like
a slighted queen and you (turning
to Jean) stop acting like a lesbian
with a grudge. Now play nice or
I'll ground you both until you
learn how to.

EVAN AND JEAN (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Fine!!!!

Jean turns and storms out of the room.

AUNTIE BERNIE
Honestly! The two of you should
know better by now. Get ready for
work I told your Uncle Sally that
you'd be there by four and it's
already three thirty.

Bernie turns and leaves the room, while Evan starts unloading
the bags.

JUMP CUT TO:



INT. NIGHTCLUB. EVENING

Evan is sitting at a table talking with Uncle Sal, who is
smoking a cigar. Uncle Sal is a bit heavy set, he is good
looking and reminds you of a gangster, he's kind of a
Baldwin. The interior of the club has several small circular
tables around a stage, with a runway jutting out. The layout
also has a riser with more tables and two bars one on either
side of the room.

UNCLE SALLY
Okay kid, here's the deal. While
you're working here I expect 100
percent. No slacking or excuses
cause you're my nephew. I'm going
to put you in as a barback and
cocktailer in the showbar because
you'll make more money than in the
restaurant.

EVAN
Cool, thanks Uncle Sal.

UNCLE SALLY
Don't thank me yet. It's a lot
harder than people think and you
may have to put up with a couple of
customers hitting on you.

EVAN
I've dealt with that before. No big
deal.

UNCLE SALLY
It may be, have you seen the
uniforms my cocktailers wear?

EVAN
Yeah, but it's just an outfit. I
can handle the customers, the same
way I do when I come here to hang
out.

UNCLE SALLY
Okay. That's settled, now let's
discuss the rest of your job. While
you're working here and staying
with us, I expect you to look for a
job that uses that nice expensive
degree of yours. You're mine and
Bernie's nephew, but no free rides
at this point kiddo, it's time for
you to start taking care of
yourself. Got it?

EVAN
Got it. How long do I have?

UNCLE SALLY
You get as long as you need time
wise, as long as I see you making a
real effort. Capiche?

EVAN
Capiche. I'll start on it tomorrow.

Uncle Sally gets up from the table, pats Evan's head mussing
up his well groomed hair and starts to walk away. Evan stays
seated. Sally turns back...

UNCLE SALLY
Hey Evan, let's go you got some
work to do, first shows in an hour,
the bar needs to be stocked and
tables set up for the first round
and your not even in uniform yet.

Sally turns around and continues walking out of the room.
Evan gets up and follows him. Sally leads him to a door that
is located next to the stage, but behind the bar. He opens
the door.

UNCLE SALLY (CONT'D)
You can change in here, just don't
distract the performers.

EVAN
Okay, (walks into the room) (hint
of sarcasm) I promise to behave.

UNCLE SALLY
You're a good kid, but a bit of a
wise ass just like your Auntie. No
go I gotta business meeting I'm
late for.

Uncle Sally walks away shutting the door behind him. Evan is
in a room that looks like a large walk-in closet with dresses
and gowns hung everywhere. There are stage mirrors and
dressing tables along one wall and several drag queens in
various states of completion in getting ready for their show.

DRAG QUEEN ONE
(In Barbara Streisand
imitation)
Well, Hello Gorgeous! What brings
you into our clutches.

DRAG QUEEN TWO
Really, he does look good enough to
eat. Who wants to make a sandwich?

The Drag queens all start moving closer reaching out to touch
Evan, who stands there smiling a bit of a blush on his
cheeks. Suddenly two of the drag queens are pulled back and a
very tall drag queen who is dressed to look like Dolly Parton
moves through the crowd, to Evan and pulls him in close
mashing his face into the giant bust.

FELICIA O.
Pull your claws in bitches, this
sweet thing is Bernie's nephew and
he is strictly hands off. Evan,
sweety I haven't seen you in ages.
How are you doing? Did you finish
school or are you just in for the
summer? Have you met anyone? Well,
tell me what's going on?

Evan has been trying to answer the questions, but his answers
are muffled because his face is buried in the giant breasts.
Suddenly hearing Evans, muffled speech Felicia releases him
and pushes him back taking a good look at him.

EVAN
It has been a long time (Evan seems
unsure if he knows this person).
I'm fine, I did graduate from
college and I'm going to be working
here until I find a job. So, I
guess I'll be here for a while. I'm
not seeing anyone,(suddenly
recognizing Felicia) but if you're
single anything is possible. Other
than that not much, but helping
Auntie Bernie with the wedding. You
used to baby-sit me when I was
little, Uncle Mikey.

FELICIA O.
Yes, I did and I knew then you'd be
trouble. You were such a pretty
little boy, and now you're a pretty
man. If I were just a few years
younger, you'd regret that offer.

EVAN
I don't think I'd regret it at all.

FELICIA O.
Oh, So you're gay?

EVAN
Let's just say I'm undecided.

At that all of the drag queens make a comment about how
they'd be happy to help him decide.

FELICIA O.
Listen I brought your uniform and
set it back there behind the
dresses, you go and change and I'll
protect you from these harpies.

Evan goes behind the dresses and all the drag queens
including Felicia lean over in an attempt to take a quick
peak, but are unable to see anything, so settle back into
conversation.

DRAG QUEEN ONE
Hey does anyone know why Sally is
meeting with Little Frankie?

FELICIA O.
Little Frankie? Why would he need
to meet with that thug?

DRAG QUEEN TWO
I hear he's been making some kind
of special arrangements with him,
to make business a bit easier.

FELICIA O.
You'd hear that he was being made a
Cardinal if someone said that he
saw the pope. Please if Sally's
meeting with Little Frankie I'm
sure it's for a good reason. I
happen to know that they were
friends growing up, so maybe
they're just catching up.
No ladies we've got a show to do
and none of you are even finished
with all that construction that you
do, not that it does any good.

Evan comes out from behind the dresses. He's dressed in a
small pair of black shorts that are skin tight and look like
a bathing suit, and he has on a black tuxedo vest.

EVAN
Who's Little Frankie?

DRAG QUEEN ONE
Little Frankie is ...

FELICIA O.
Little Frankie is a friend of your
Uncles and that's all he is.
(Looking sternly at all the other
drag queens and then walking out
towards the stage) I have to do the
sound check. Evan you're late,
better get moving and set up the
room, it's gonna be packed tonight.

DRAG QUEEN ONE
(Pauses to make sure
Felicia is out of
hearing)
Little Frankie is rumored to be a
gangster.

EVAN
A gangster? Come on they don't
exist anymore.

DRAG QUEEN ONE
I'm just saying.

Evan leaves the dressing room and goes behind the bar where
he sees the bartender and introduces himself. The bartender
hands him a tray full of stuff and tells him to start wiping
down the tables and get ready for the customers. Evan goes
about getting to work. As he is cleaning he is moving closer
to the entry for the show room. He is able to overhear Uncle
Sally and Little Frankie talking through the door which is
partially propped open.

UNCLE SALLY
I'm telling you Frankie that's the
way it's going down.

LITTLE FRANKIE
I'm telling you Sal to make it go
down like that is murder. If you
want it to happen that way I'm
gonna need to hire a couple of
specialists and that's gonna take
money.

UNCLE SALLY
Who cares about money? You do what
you gotta do and don't come back
till it's taken care of. Capiche

LITTLE FRANKIE
Capiche

UNCLE SALLY
Now get outta here, I gotta get
this place open.

Evan continues cleaning the tables moving a bit faster and
thinking about the conversation he just heard.


This is a work in progress!!!!!!

Copyright September 2007